Understanding Grief and Loss

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• On the day he died, Gloria had left the hospice to buy cakes for the nurses.
• Another factor that can influence coping with grief is boundary ambiguity—confusion that arises when it is not clear who is in and who is out of the family (Boss 1999).
• Your connection with a loved one who’s passed, a dissolved marriage, an abandoned dream, etc., becomes integrated into your ongoing life story.
• “I think people should have a conversation with their practitioners or their doctor or provider and do their own individualized risk benefit analysis,” he said.
• This helped Gloria to forgive herself and her attitude towards herself became kinder.
• Examples of losses include a house destroyed by a tornado, a car totaled in an accident, and a boat sunk in a hurricane.

As this happens your grief remains but it no longer dominates and so becomes more bearable. In this way your life ‘grows around’ your grief, and you continue to carry your grief with you. Grief often feels like it comes in waves that can initially feel intense and overwhelming. These waves of grief can feel like they come out of nowhere, or can be triggered when you are reminded of the person you lost.

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When you first lose someone, it can feel as though you are constantly being hit by enormous waves of grief – sometimes so close together that it feels as though you hardly come up for air between them. With time, the size of the waves tends to lessen, with larger gaps in between waves. As the weeks, months, and years pass by you will experience many ‘firsts’ as you navigate life without your loved one – your first dinner out, your first supermarket trip, your first birthday without them. In each of these moments it will be natural to feel their absence, and for waves of grief to be triggered again. Powerful feelings of grief and loss are so normal and natural that they are typically not given a ‘diagnosis’ like other conditions such as anxiety or depression.

If you are struggling with symptoms of prolonged grief or traumatic bereavement, specific psychological interventions are recommended for these conditions. Although your loved one has gone physically, you can learn to remember them, and they can continue to live on in your memories and heart. We can separate the effects of grief into thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. As Mario had been unwell for some time, Gloria thought that she would be, to some extent, prepared for his loss. However, she was shocked by the deep despair and yearning she felt for him once he died. She often replayed regrets in her mind, all the things she wishes she had said and done.

Loss is any change or end in a relationship, pattern, or familiar way of life. Stroebe and Schut suggest most people will move back and forth between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented activities. It is used with a third person singular subject (except the singular they).

A community can provide emotional and financial aid when people are vulnerable. If a person is forced to grieve alone, they may have a delayed recovery. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5) does not classify complicated grief as a clinical condition. Yet it does include diagnostic criteria for “persistent complex bereavement disorder” in the section of conditions requiring further study. Sometimes people grieve for years without seeming to find even temporary relief. Grief can be complicated by other conditions, most notably depression.

By fostering a therapeutic space of understanding and resilience, therapists can help individuals heal and adapt in the face of loss. When you have experienced loss, it is natural to feel a wide range of emotions, and you might feel overwhelmed by grief. Grief is a powerful emotional and physical reaction to the loss of someone or something. It is characterized by deep feelings of sadness and sorrow, and often by a powerful yearning or longing to be with that person again. Other effects of grief include feeling numb and empty, as if there is no meaning to anything, or being annoyed at yourself for how you are feeling compared to how you ‘should’ be dealing with things. You might feel angry that your loved one has gone and left you behind.

Instead, grieving is the process that helps you to form a different relationship with them. Gloria then became his carer, which was difficult for them both as Mario had always what is loss been a very independent man. As the cancer spread, he got weaker and required more and more help each day. There were times when Gloria found it tiring and demanding caring for Mario, although she never complained and tried not to show how it was affecting her. When he was moved to the hospice, she felt many different emotions. She was scared and knew his death was imminent, and she was worried how she would cope without him.

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Some ways of thinking about grief describe ‘stages’ that grieving people go through, often ending with ‘acceptance’ or ‘investment in a new life’. Grief researchers Denis Klass, Phyllis Silverman & Steven Nickman questioned these stage models, and proposed a different way of thinking about grief2. They argue that when a loved one dies you go through a process of adjustment and redefine your relationship with that person – your bond with them continues and endures. They say a relationship never ends – grief is not something that you go ‘through’ to ‘let go’ or ‘move on from’ your loved one.

Some people describe this time as being emotionally paralysed and unable to think past the grief and loss. Some people have positive experiences following grief and loss, such as different connections or a new sense of wisdom, maturity or meaning in life. After losing a loved one, you may always carry sadness and miss the person who has died. But most people are able to find meaning and experience pleasure again. It can resurface unexpectedly and take on different forms as time goes on.

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If society does not recognize a loss, the person may have trouble accepting it themselves. Shame and secrecy can make the symptoms of grief more severe. Despite their differences, depression and grief are not mutually exclusive. If someone is vulnerable to depression, grief has the potential to trigger a depressive episode. If someone already has depression, their condition may prolong or worsen the grieving process.

Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and important milestones can reawaken painful memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. You can plan ahead by making sure that you’re not alone, for example, or by marking your loss in a creative way. When you feel healthy physically, you’ll be better able to cope emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to self-medicate, numb the pain of grief, or lift your mood artificially.